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Pavement joggers and why I don't understand them
With the fear of showing off a gaunt face in photographs and getting ever closer to being able to smash melons with a paunch, I decided to join the joggers' brigade. Don't get me wrong - I don't take...
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Happy Valentine's Day, darlings
So, Lorraine Pascale hasn't responded to my card, her agent won't let me speak to her on the phone to invite her on a date, and that cake I baked (which wasn't easy, you liar) for her will have to be...
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A tragic neighbour-induced nightmare: Steps are back
"It's a tragedy that Steps split up. They were too good not to get back together.""Yeah, but Lisa was shit."Delivering a killer pun entirely unintentionally, this was a conversation between my two...
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Rastamouse is coming to get you and your children
"This is bloody awful! I would never let my kid watch this lol. id make them watch them old school classics, instead of this shit where they cant even teach decent english to young children."The...
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The trouble with Boris Bikes
A couple of weekends ago I was out in Shoreditch - the night had run its course, my body had been stuffed full of salmon and cream cheese bagels and it was time to go home. Autopilot kicked in and our...
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Fruitical behaviour
Would you eat a mature, over-sized ovary? Well, that's essentially what a piece of fruit is (which isn't quite as off-putting as considering an egg a chicken's period - which, to all intents and...
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A blissful naivety shattered
Cast your mind back a few thousand moons to when you were a kid - some family event (celebrating a sibling getting their 100-metre swimming badge, the arrival of a puppy, the laying of a new patio etc)...
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Rudy: 'Worms! I just 8-1! Hahaha!'
Eagle-eyed readers may notice there's no picture credit this week - which means I must have dusted down the long-neglected camera, exercised the shutter and experimented with aperture openings. That's...
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An Indian adventure: On holiday with my mum
Hello and welcome to my first and almost certainly last travel blog. The trouble with reading about other people's adventures is that, at best, it's terrifically boring or, at worst, you're reminded of...
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Dot Cotton is a harlot
I've started watching television again. I didn't mean to, it just happened - normally because I need something to occupy my time while tending to a home-related activity, like making sure the building...
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Viva Barca
The weekend before last saw thousands of Mancunians and Barcelones descend on London for the Champions League Final, and very exciting it was too if you like football, which approximately 75 per cent...
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A new addition
Here's a thought to brighten your day: I sleep naked. And when I wake from my slumber on Sunday mornings, I tend to stumble rather precariously down the stairs, minus clothes, to fetch a glass of water...
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A Twitter dream diary
Where in the world can you jump on a bus being driven by a green-haired lesbian, hang out of the window as it speeds round corners without risking serious injury or death, and set off an on-board smoke...
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Steve Evans: Football's most hated man
Hello you! It's been a while, no? I've missed you - and no doubt you've missed me too, which is why you're here, obviously. I could tell you why I've been away - but that would involve giving out my...
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Cheltenham vs Crewe, League 2 Play-Off Final: An alternative view
"PARA! PARA! PARADISE! WHOA-OH-OH OH-OOH OH-HO-HO!"Never before have the words 'Crewe' (a railway town within the unitary authority area of Cheshire East) and 'paradise' (a place in which existence is...
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Euro 2012 EuroCast: England vs Sweden
FootballFanCast.com's Tom Skinner got in touch to ask if I'd like to sit down and talk all things Euro 2012 ahead of England's clash with Sweden.I say all things Euro 2012; more third-choice...
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At the front line of the battle against lads on tour
Bare-breasted Amsterdam androgynous types deploy their secret weapon against the many and uniformly-dressed units of stag parties and lads on tour.Their guerrilla tactics may be working - according to...
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The Emirates Air Line and a man named Clarence
"And of course, these are the same cranes lowered during Winston Churchill's funeral…"…and look, quickly now, jees - I said quickly. Over there! North-east, north-east! - you can see the intricacy of...
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O2's Twitter team make people laugh
While O2's call centre staff were congratulating themselves on a day of no complaints on Wednesday - just why was no-one phoning? - the company's social media people were working overtime following its...
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Me and my very good friend Lee 'Scratch' Perry
They say you should never meet your heroes - that they won't live up to expectations, that you'll be disappointed. I don't have a clue who 'they' are, but their heroes clearly don't walk around...
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